When You’re “That Girl”

First of all, I am not writing this to sound braggy, and I apologize if it comes across that way to some. My recent experiences have caused me to ponder society’s norm, and how we treat people based on their appearance. It’s not a new theory. This is my personal experience…

Most people look at me and probably think I’m some ditzy, stuck-up snob who only cares about her looks. Actually, I’ve been told that this has been a first impression for a lot of people who see me, but don’t interact with me right away. While I have my ditzy moments, and I do often care about my appearance, I assure you “snob” is not a word I would associate with. I’m blonde, 5’10”, okay-looking for my age, and carry myself with confidence for the most part. I learned at a young age that confidence is the key to succeeding at anything in life. People often tell me that they assume I can get whatever I want in life because of the way I look. I’m not saying this to toot my own horn, there is a point I’m making here. Bear with me. I even had a boss tell me once that he thinks I’m “used to getting away with things because of [my] appearance”. Some people tell me they think I can have whatever guy I want, under any circumstance. I’ve heard this so many times, and I’m still wondering why on earth anyone would think that given my atrocious dating history. The odds don’t usually work out the way I would hope. The truth is that when I was younger, yes, I got my way quite a bit. But, that was because I argued everything in my favor. I was a master negotiator. I never wanted my successes to be revolved around my appearance. Looks only last so long, you know? With men, you can’t negotiate your way into anything serious with them. For me, I haven’t really had a ton of issues with piquing a guy’s interest, but getting beyond the initial “Oh you’re hot, let me take you out” has been the challenge. If you push too hard, you appear “crazy”. I learned that the hard way after many years of trying to convince whatever asshole I was dating that I was worthy of his love and attention, when really, I just had a tendency of dating guys who were missing much more than a girlfriend in their life. If the guy is interested, he’ll let you know, right? You should never have to negotiate with him or try to convince him to be with you. But, how do you know if a guy is genuinely interest in YOU and not just how you look? It always starts the same way… and ends the same way…My experience with this has been nothing short of excruciating.

When you want to, but you can’t trust his motives…

If I’m being honest, I’m not really a blonde (I know, shocker, right? Those roots aren’t close to a dead giveaway). I dye my hair because I had never done it before and wanted to try something new after gaining and losing 65lbs and becoming a new mom. I don’t have crazy genes that make my body look the way it does. I run and lift as often as I can. I can’t eat anything I want and still be in shape. I keep control over my diet and don’t veg out on chips and pizza all the time. I have fake boobs because when you breastfeed a child for a while, eventually the natural ones are left looking like stretched out bananas, and leaving them that way made me feel insecure. I fill in my non-existent eyebrows first thing every morning, and I have freakish hormonal acne from time to time, still, at the ripe old age of 33. Most days I find it hard to put on anything other than gym clothes. I wear contacts and have since the age of 12. I am absolutely riddled with imperfections of all sorts… and I AM AWARE of it. It makes me feel better when I am done up, makeup on,  putting my best (looking) self forward. Thank God for Makeup and hair extensions. But, looks are NOT everything. And I’m learning that sometimes playing up your looks can hinder you in plenty of ways…

Terrifying… I know.

Lately I’ve felt like this issue is spilling over into my dating life as well. Or whatever it is that I’ve been doing that I thought was supposed to be dating. It seems like recently, my dating life consists of wasting my time going on fake dates with guys who feed me all the right lines, take me to dinner, and talk me up until they get me right where they want me, and then suddenly the guy has no intention of pursuing anything serious with me. I know what you’re thinking, “Danielle, DON’T hook up with the guy right away”. That MUST be the case, right? Not always. However, I’m a fucking adult, and I am duped into believing these guys are also adults. Whether it’s the first date or the 5th week after hanging out every day, it always ends the same way. If I got a dollar for every time a dude blew me off while feeding me some sort of bullshit like, “You’re SUPER HOT and a really cool chick, seriously. I like you. I just don’t want to date anybody right now. You deserve someone so much better anyway”, I’d be sitting on a BIG ass pile of dollars. But, you know, they are right about a few of those things. What baffles me is these dudes will make all of this crazy effort, to convince me they are totally interested and then bounce out of nowhere. I had to begin to wonder… Am I not interesting enough? I highly doubt that I’m boring, but maybe… Am I annoying? Maybe I’m bad in bed? Is it because I’m blonde that they don’t take me seriously? Are my looks causing people to think I’m incapable of maintaining a serious relationship with a decent human who has his shit together? Why is it that every dude’s first line when they bounce is “you’re super hot, but…”? Is that all they care about? Is it his insecurity or mine? Who the fuck knows these days because now it’s an “honest” excuse to just say something like “You’re really hot, and super cool, but I don’t want anything serious”, when what that person really means is, “I don’t want anything serious… with you”. All I end up with is disappointment and questions as to why, no matter what type of guy I go out with, I can not seem to manage to find a wonderful man who adores me, idiosyncrasies and all? I did think it was me for a long time, but I don’t think that anymore.

Honestly, I’ve grown quite sick of the selfish games people play these days. I’m sick of being treated like I, and my feelings, don’t matter. I’m soooo fucking tired of people telling me I deserve better when they are the ones who are treating me poorly in the first place. Yeah, I fucking know I deserve better. It’s a nice cop-out, appearing to take responsibility, but that line isn’t even sweet anymore. Like, stop trying to make me feel good about myself one last time while you slam the door in my face. I’m sick of guys making assumptions about me, or feeding me bullshit about how great they think I am, and then turning around and proving that they actually think differently. Here is a prime example: I once met a guy who hunted me down on Instagram. He tried to message me (not THAT kind of message) to tell me he thought I was beautiful, and let me know that he is intrigued. Everyone knows “beautiful” is different that “hot”, and it means something completely different… deeper. When a guy tells a girl he thinks she is beautiful, a girl thinks he is interested in HER, not just the way she appears. I said thank you, but ignored him further. He continued to try to talk to me for months. He was extremely complimentary, referencing how “real” he thought I was in some of my posts, and that he admires my efforts, and blah blah blah bullshit (clearly this ends poorly)… At the time, one would think there might just be some substance to this guy. He actually reads what I write under those photos. He is respectful, positive, complimentary, intelligent, relentless as fuck, and just so happens to think I’m awesome according to his messages. Maybe I should give “the nice guy” a shot… so I did. He was thrilled. Even when my schedule put a wrench in our timing, he just went with it and was more than willing to accomodate. When we finally did meet up, he took me to a nice dinner in the city, we walked around discussing our families and careers, and all the while he was just grinning like Dopey the Dwarf at every word that came out of my mouth. He kept telling me he wanted me to meet his friends and family. Almost all of me thought that was a little forward for a first date, but hell, I’m spontaneous, I’ll roll with it if he’s serious and doesn’t murder me at the end our date. Over the next few days I was out of town for work, and this guy drove back and forth, for hours, just to come see me once I was out of my meetings for the day. The time came for him to go back home (he lived states away, but was in my region for work at the time), and he asked me to come with him. He insisted on introducing me to everyone and basically begged for me to accompany him there, and said he would gladly fly me back home in a few days. I was flattered and up for an adventure, so I obliged. I didn’t know anyone there so if it was a flop, I’d simply head back early if need be without feeling like too much of a bitch. This was a 20+ hour road trip that I hadn’t really anticipated… and it was surprisingly pleasant. We rocked out to some metal and belted some Whitney Houston, shared crazy stories, and hit it off just as well as I could have asked for. This guy was growing on me, and I was definitely falling for his flattery. I mean, I could have blown a snot rocket out the window going 80mph and the dude would have told me it was the cutest thing he’d ever seen. When we got to his house, well, his pseudo family’s house, he introduced me to his pseudo mother and father, as well as his pseudo siblings. His actual family lived on the other side of the country, but these people were considered family to him. They already knew all about me and were beyond thrilled to welcome me into their gorgeous home. They were going to be throwing dude a birthday party that night and I would be meeting even more of his friends then. I was in over my head, and wondering what all of these people would think of us having only met recently, but I went with it. As the party happened, his friends (all a bit older than me) were hugging me and welcoming me, making me feel extraordinarily comfortable in the situation, and I was suddenly having a blast. They were asking me questions anybody who cares about who their friend is dating would ask. We were drinking some of the best wine, dancing around the house together, and his friends shared some of the most amazing stories of this dude. They kept saying they were so happy he had found a great girl and that if anyone deserves someone like me, he does. They were extremely happy for him, and he seemed over the moon having me there with him. If you know me, I’m kind of an all-in kinda person, but I definitely shy away from guys who are a little too sure too soon. However, this seemed different. He made me feel so secure and that he was all about me- idiosyncrasies and all. I thought, maybe this is real… I mean, if he was bullshitting me, could ALL of these people really be in on it? I was quickly convinced and couldn’t wait until I would see him again to see where this would go. I flew home a couple of days later and we planned out when he would fly out to visit me next. After I left, he would facetime me multiple times a day and we’d plan these trips for the future- concerts in his area, wine tasting in Napa in mine. We filled our calendars for the next two months, and I made arrangements with my son’s father to help during those times I would be gone… only, come to find out, dude never booked his flight for that next weekend as we had planned. When I asked him why, he got shy and tried to tell me it was too expensive to book last minute. Understandable, but that’s why we planned it weeks before. I offered to buy his flight, but he refused and said some stupid concert had come up in his area that he wanted to go to, but he’d love for me to come out there to visit that weekend instead. I have real obligations here, like a child, and a dog, and such so I couldn’t just pick up and leave as easily as he could without planning, so I had to turn it down. He went to his concert and I went to Lake Tahoe. And suddenly, like the whole entire date/trip/party never happened, he stopped calling. Like, nothing. No facetime, no calls, no texts. And when I say suddenly, I’m saying this guy was mapping out our future (literally talking about adding me and my son to his gym membership so we could workout when we went to visit), and telling me “You’re the one”, then… just disappeared. His friends didn’t though. They kept reaching out and to see how I was doing, or would comment on my social media posts. This only put salt in the wound. Nobody seemed to realize that this guy went AWOL on me and left me hanging like he did. I was humiliated, and I’m not going to lie, a little heart broken. I wanted to ask his friends why they would ever associate with such a manipulative bozo, but I decided to go on pretending like everything was cool. The worst part of it all was that there was zero explanation. I asked him for one at one point. Did he meet someone else? Did I do something wrong? I honestly didn’t think I could have, in his eyes. But something happened. I still don’t know what it was…  This guy convinced me, as well as everyone around him, that I was it for him. For a minute he treated me exactly the way every girl should be treated. And then he dipped. And this fucker had the nerve to hit me up weeks later with a “How are you doing? You look so hot in your photos still. Will I ever see you again”? What. In. The. Actual. Fuck.?!!!! My initial reaction was to go crazy girl on him and let him see a side of me I haven’t let out since 2008 (yes, every chick has a crazy side, but it’s all about self control and I’m a lady now, so that 23-year-old she devil stays bottled up deep down in there). Instead, I kept my cool. I told him he had hurt my feelings, but that it’s a part of life. I told him I won’t be making any effort to see him, but if he’s ever in my area, we could grab some coffee or something. Fuck if that’ll ever happen, but I’d honestly still like to know what the deal was. His last message was clear though, he was never interested in the real me. I was still left to wonder… Was he just full of shit, or was it someone else? Or was it me? I used to think it was me… but I don’t think that anymore. Either way, boy bye!

(Update: this dude read this blog. He reached out and told me it was well-written, and he enjoyed it, then said I deserve an explanation…. annnnd he left it at that. Nothing 😂 Mind-boggling. Am I crazy to think this guy is a huge douche?)

…. yeah, yeah, yeah…. whatever.

It’s disheartening, dating these days. I’m convinced that most men are superficial, selfish, and conniving, which is a sad realization. Guys may say the same about us, I suppose. I do know that not EVERYONE is as fucked up as the guys I happen to meet and date. The good ones have to be somewhere, so I keep trying. Sometimes I feel like I’m screwing myself out of the good guys because I appear the way some said they viewed me upon first meeting me. I don’t want to date a guy who approaches me solely because of my appearance. My appearance isn’t even real. I believe that’s the case with many girls. But, when I’m 60 years old, and my fake boobs are sagging to my knees, and I forget how to put on my eyebrows, I’m going to want to be with someone who sees past all that, who wants to make me laugh, and shares common interests. Maybe someday the right guy will see past the looks or the idea of just a sexual experience and really make an effort to know me and love me, makeup or no makeup, in spite of my flaws underneath all of the smoke and mirrors. Maybe someday some guy will truly be enamored by me as a person, not just the idea of me for a little bit. Maybe someday…

One thought on “When You’re “That Girl”

  1. Kim says:

    This recently happened to me after 8 months of being pursued… told my boys he wanted to marry me and be their dad… ghosted in October, how festive. No explanation. Just disappeared and yes his family likes my social media… it sucks and I don’t get it.


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