I grew up thinking love would be easy. Easy to find. Easy to maintain. Easy to give and to receive. I realize now that when it comes to love, there is much more to it. It’s an understanding. More like a partnership. Because love is, in fact, NOT easy. You have to rely on the other elements of a relationship.
I’ve been dating ever since my divorce almost 5 years ago. I have yet to find a compatible partner who can make it past a month or two. Four months, tops, if they are lucky. If it lasts even that long, I’m the one doing the breaking up. This can only happen so many times before you start to realize it probably isn’t the people you are dating, it’s probably you. And I’m beginning to wonder what it is that makes me the most incompatible person on earth. My life is pretty easy. I work during the week, remotely, I might add. My schedule isn’t very demanding during the week outside of it. I mean, I gym in the AM and PM if I can, but other than that, I’m all about the Netflix and Chill in revolving hours, or working on social media. My son is brilliant, easy-going, and I have almost zero baby-daddy drama. But, maybe THAT’S the issue- I get along too well with my son’s dad. He and I decided long ago that we were going to be the modern-day Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, co-parenting and going on double-date vacations with our new significant others… Life certainly would be grand. Guys just aren’t comfortable with the idea, even though I will truthfully tell you that my ex-husband and I have never even fathomed the idea of getting back together, nor have there been any post-separation hook-ups… so everyone should just chill the fuck out about that. Personally, if the situation were reversed and my boyfriend’s baby-mama wanted to hang out and get to know me, I’d be over the moon excited. Hey, I’d even attempt to make that chick my best friend. Couple’s vacations? Yes please! NOBODY wants baby-mama drama. Why isn’t it the same the other way around? But, I don’t think that’s the reason why I have had such shitty luck with dating.
My standards just keep going up… like Fat Joe and Remy Ma up… ALL the way up. My tolerance level for bullshit is like, underground these days. One slight fuck-up and I’m likely to send you packing- this can happen before you even get to the front door. I’m kidding… kinda. Once, I met a guy online (I say this like it’s only happened that one time…). He lived an hour and half away from me. We had great conversation (only over text), but he spent a significant amount of time complaining about how women in his area are so flighty, flaky, and entitled. I agreed and assured him I was a unicorn and could be trusted not to be any of those things. We made plans for him to come to where I lived to take me to out “that weekend”. My dumb ass didn’t secure which day that weekend, but I wasn’t too concerned. By Friday around 3pm, I began to wonder if he would be showing up. He hadn’t asked for my address or confirmed on a place to meet. Come to think of it, I hadn’t heard from him in a day or two. Nothing weird had happened, I just figured he was busy or something. So, I shot him a text asking him if he was still coming. I received an enthusiastic response saying he wanted to plan for Saturday night instead. I had a party I COULD have gone to, but I was kind of looking forward to this date, so I planned to either blow off the party or see if he’d be game to go. He said he would like to go, so I called the host to add my plus 1 to the list. Saturday happens, and so does time, and by 4pm on Saturday, I hadn’t received a call or text asking where to meet. WTF? Was he really going to blow me off without having even met me?! So I shot the douche bag a text saying, “You know, the reason your dating life probably doesn’t work out is because you have some trouble actually showing up to your scheduled dates”. His response went something like, “I know. But, if you are ever in my neck of the woods, hit me up. I’d love to take you to a nice dinner”. Ummmm…. NO! This loser had agreed and seemed eager to come to meet me, and had not even an attempt at an excuse as to why he was blowing me off just hours before the date. I informed him that an apology would have been sufficient, along with a courtesy call to let me know he wasn’t going to make it. And do you know what this jerk had the nerve to say to me? His response: “Get over yourself”. Are. You. Serious?
I think after years of being treated like a number, or dealing with dudes dating you while they also date other girls, and after being blown off, stood up, let down, walked all over, teased, used, and drug through the mud (anticipation), I have grown a little tired of the bullshit that has become what’s now known as “dating”. I also find that I’m the perfect candidate for the world’s most charming assholes to use to make their exes jealous. I cannot count the number of times I think things with a guy are going well, only to find out he’s been trying to win back his ex behind my back. I have experienced this so many times that I have considered making it a business. Like Hitch, but in a more in-your-face kind of convincing way. WHY ME?! Yes, I am the victim here, and I’m not afraid to say it. I’m all about taking responsibility for your own actions, but these guys are GOOOOOOD. Like, they know their shit when it comes to making me feel like I’m special. Not enough red flags to make a better decision before I get my heart and ego stomped on. And once they have me convinced, suddenly their girlfriend is back in the picture, willing to reconcile. I suppose I should be flattered, but I’m not. I’m fucking pissed.
I have also dated some great guys, and y’all are going to hate me for saying this, but fuck it. I need a guy who can keep me on my toes. Not like, “You’re in competition with my ex”, but someone who has stuff going on. I’m motivated by other motivated people. I want to be inspired. Love isn’t enough. It’s just not. You could be the sweetest, most respectful guy on the planet, but if you aren’t motivated or passionate about something other than me, I’m going to eventually get bored. This is why everyone complains that nice guys finish last. It’s not that you finish last because you are nice, you finish last because you’re not daring- in life. The friend tree is a great place for these guys because they will never let you down. They don’t have enough going on to want to leave you hanging, and typically this is a shitty place for a guy to be if he is really attracted to a girl. On the flip-side, it’s a great place to be because you will always be able to talk to the girl you are interested in. And, maybe someday she will get tired of chasing the daring ones and want to settle down in safety. Maybe. Be more daring, nice guys. Take a chance on something you want (besides the girl).
Basically, can I get a happy medium? Like a nice guy who is ambitious and isn’t a douchebag fuckboy, looking to play his next game? I’m at a point where my “relationships” are standard, emotionless, kinda vapid, but I don’t mind not having feelings anymore. Guys who are worth dating don’t even really try anymore- no good morning texts, or mid-day “how are you”s. They don’t have to. Girls make it too easy for them. It’s basic now like, “So, can I see you on Wednesday night for dinner?” and then you don’t talk again until Wednesday. By then, SO MUCH has happened and SO many fuckboys have wasted my days leading up to that, but I didn’t care because I at least got the satisfaction of the good morning texts that date-worthy guy didn’t send (because he doesn’t have time, because he is busy being all ambitious, etc). Does this happen to anyone else? Should I just date myself? These days that might be considered the new norm.
Love is nothing like I pictured it would be. That feeling I used to get when I thought I was in love has now been translated as either obsession or infatuation, and having feelings is no longer acceptable. Feels like we are just a bunch of hurt, damaged people running around hurting and damaging other people. It’s not good and it certainly can’t be healthy. I do have a slight hope that the more work I do in life, the harder I work on bettering who I am, the RIGHT guy will waltz in and sweep me off of my feet in the most perfect way for me. But I wish the lad luck on trying to figure out exactly what way that would be…